Activity: Notice your body, become aware of each part of it. Now, think of all your responsibilities, think of all those things you have to do, all those things you should get done. Now, notice your body again. How does it feel? Where do you feel tension and tightness? What expression do you have on your face?
When we live our life from have to’s, shoulds, and supposed to’s we lose our power, because we give it to outside influences. We become tense, rigid, stiff, and dull. It drains our life force and causes us to feel like a victim.
Who is forcing us anyway? Who says we have to? Parents, society, peers, friends, our own mind…the list goes on and on. What gives them the right to live our life for us, or tell us who we are? Why should they be the ones who determine what we should do or what is right for us?
Maybe a better question to ask is this: Why do we listen to them? The answer is usually that we want their acceptance, love, and approval. Most of us probably were taught as little children that a certain kind of behavior was acceptable, while another kind of behavior was not. We were rewarded for “good” behavior, and we would be punished for “bad” behavior. But “good” and “bad” varied from family to family, and even community to community. It was relative to your personal upbringing.
But we were bright as children; we didn’t want to be punished. Rather, we wanted the love and approval of the people we looked up to, and so we strived to fill our lives with “good” behaviors so that we could earn that love and be accepted. We strived so hard as children to be lovable and good enough because we believed that we were not okay the way we were.
We would be scolded and punished if we got it “wrong.” More and more we tried to be what our parents wanted us to be. We were desperate for their love and approval. It didn’t end there, either; we tried to be what friends said we “should” be, as well as teachers, leaders, church, community, media…and on and on.
The more we tried to become “good enough” for all of these outside influences, the more distant we became from our own internal voice. When we listen to all of them, we are not listening to our own heart, our thoughts, and our Spirit. We lost touch with our authentic self a little more each day. We became a serious boring adult, ultimately feeling unloved and unhappy (though society tells us to wear a smile and pretend to be happy anyway, to show no weakness).
We created confusion in our lives because these different influences conflicted one another. Mom and dad may want us to be something different than our friends pressure us to be. Maybe society conflicts with the voice of religion and so on. We soon find that we can never measure up to everyone’s expectations. The truth is, we were never meant to!
Jesus taught that unless you become as a little child, we cannot enter into the Kingdom of God (which can be interpreted as experiencing peace, joy, love, and lightness of consciousness). A child is not conditioned by all these voices yet, they are un-programmed, wild and free. They allow themselves to feel whatever they feel, happiness or anger; they follow their heart. They are the model of perfection.
So, what if our striving in life was actually taking us farther away from peace? That’s not so hard to imagine, is it? Think of how your body just felt a moment ago when you thought of all the things that you had to do. And, if it is taking us away from peace, doesn’t it stand to reason that it is also taking us farther from light, joy, happiness, and even God?
No wonder ancient scripture taught us to, “Be still" so that we may know God.
So here we have it: the great lie, and the great root of all disease (dis-ease). We believe ourselves unworthy, unlovable, bad, wrong, and not good enough when we fall short of outside expectations, thus separating ourselves from love, happiness, God and other people.
This belief that we are “bad” and the feeling of being unloved is the root of all “ick” in our world. Everyone involved in violence, drugs, crime, and dishonesty of all kinds are people like ourselves who feel afraid, alone, unloved, and not good enough, and who simply don’t know how to deal with these feelings appropriately. Everything negative that we “do” is a of symptom of a deeper issue of feeling unloved and not good enough.
Understanding the problem helps us to understand the solution: which is love. How true it is that “Charity never faileth.” If we are feeling loved, there is no need for us to use “getting and protecting behaviors” in order to “earn” love and acceptance. Whether our behaviors are acting out or striving to be perfect, they are symptoms that arise from a lack of feeling God’s love.
Imagine your adult self tending to your child self with unconditional love. Not the way your adult self thinks you should, rather the way the child in you wants or needs love and support. Offer your love freely. Take some time together, just the two of you, to play and have fun. Give your inner child 100% of your attention. Now, focus your awareness. How does the child feel? Is there any need or desire for negative behaviors? You will find that there is no need for it. We are all a bunch of children in grown-up bodies, longing for love!
Here are two activities to try:
1. Take a moment to write down on a piece of paper all of the methods you have been using to try to earn love.
2. Now, write down a list of the fun things that your inner child actually wants to do. What is it that your heart truly desires?
Now, let’s return to the outside voices. We are all bombarded by influences all the time, each voice telling us that if we don’t do things their way then we are “wrong” or “bad,” and therefore unworthy of the love we seek. The voices tell us we are only worthy of being punished until we change. We need to become aware of these voices and their effect on us. Don Miguel Ruiz commented that humans have a mitoté of voices in their head. Mitoté means “thousands”. When all of those voices are talking at the same time, it becomes almost impossible to hear the quiet inner voice trying to guide us in the ways of love, peace and happiness. It is up to us to quiet those voices, so we may tap into our own true, authentic self, which is love.
Activity:
1. Find a comfortable place where you can be alone for 20-30 minutes or so. Begin by taking a few deep breaths, and connecting with your body. Allow yourself to relax. When you are comfortable and feeling centered visualize yourself as a young infant. Use all your senses, make it as real as possible. Now, allow that child to be held by someone who loves him/her (preferably mom and dad, but if that doesn’t feel right then someone else who feels safe). See your child self be nurtured and loved in every way. Even if this didn’t happen as a child, it can still happen now. Allow that child’s needs to be filled in this moment. Take all the time you need, do not rush the experience. Soak up all the love the child self has been longing for.
2. Next, see yourself as a child somewhere between 3-8 years old. Picture yourself playing and having fun. Give yourself permission to do whatever it is that you wanted to do as a child. Play your heart out. If you would like to invite other people in to play with you that would be fine as well. Or perhaps you will invite your serious adult self to “lighten up” by playing with you also.
3. Once the child is done playing, see yourself as a teenager. Reach back with love for your teenage self. Forgive yourself for all your mistakes. Be present for your teenager. Take time to get to know him/her. Perhaps your adult self will want to have a conversation with your teenage self. Listen intently to everything he/she says. Don’t distract away. Don’t invalidate him/her. Allow him/her to be mad, or sad, or confused, or whatever he/she is feeling. Just offer unconditional love and acceptance.
4. Finally see yourself as an adult, your present day self. Offer yourself love. Open your heart to God and to other people. Allow love to flow through you. Recognize your inherent worth and value (you are not better than or less than any other person). Take some time to listen to your Spirit. What are you trying to communicate to yourself? Listen intently. Perhaps you will want to ask some questions to your Spirit and to God. Listen for the answers with all of yourself. God and our own Spirit communicate to us through the sensations in our body, the feelings in our heart, our mind’s eye, and through sudden awareness. Listen with all of you. You may want to write down your impressions.
